There are moments when this whole dating thing is just not a lot of fun. Is she interested? How do I show her that I’m interested? Does she look even remotely like her pictures? Am I ok with small amounts of saliva dripping out of her mouth every so often while she talks? Can I find the humor in that? Is that odor coming from the people at the table next to us? I hope so. How many guys has she mentioned so far? I think I’ve lost track. Will she think drawing on the bathroom stall is a fun, quirky, humorous thing to do on a first date, or…not so much? I’m sure we’ve all been there. Anyway, here’s an idea…

How about this? Instead of actually meeting and going through the pain, torture, and misery of it all, let’s outsource this thing, at least in the beginning. You pay someone. I pay someone. Our “agents” meet. They wear t-shirts with our pictures on them. They go through the whole checking each other out thing, at coffee, or whatever. Then, they are free to decide to take it further, or not, at least for awhile. Only if they are certain we’re really meant for each other, will they consult us.

Hopefully, we haven’t been physically intimate, through our dating surrogates, by that point. As that would just be weird, you know? Anyway, you and I, having each made it past our dating agents’ screening processes, will then meet face to face, perhaps for a simple dinner or drinks. Of course, only our dating proxies would actually interact. But, you and I could watch and see how things are going, firsthand.

If our online dating surrogates feel we have real chemistry after our initial face-to-face, you know, laughing, stimulating conversation, perhaps holding hands, kissing, and maybe even some general frolicking of sorts, without our direct participation of course, we would finally be ready to get hands-on with this relationship. So, we would meet again, this time each of us sitting on our respective agent’s laps. Our online dating proxies would work our arms, mouths, etc… generally posing us, not at all unlike ventriloquism. I know this part might seem unusual but I think it’s crucial if we are to transition smoothly away from our dating pseudo-selves, don’t you?

If all goes well, I think the timeframe for this process could be expedited to roughly, let’s say, about four weeks or so, after our agents have decided we are meant for each other. That would be nice, since I’m really not terribly into this being single thing anyway. I’m feeling optimistic, aren’t you? I think it may take a lot of the craziness out of this dating thing. I mean, I realize we may feel awkward when we get to the point where our online dating agents have to start sleeping in their own beds. But, by then, you and I will feel so naturally close and intimate that we hardly notice our agents are no longer working our limbs.

Ok, so let’s get this party started. All we need is to find our online dating surrogates. Hmmm…I wonder where we find a website for that…

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